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Dear Ellis,

Have you ever had a cramp, right in the arse? Felt like a body part wasn’t yours? Wished that you had been born in a different body? Wanted to grow boobs, just to see what it was like? Tried to tickle yourself to cheer yourself up? Eaten something so good that you were upset when it was finished?

I’ve experienced all of these and am starting to wonder if it was just me or if anyone else ever experienced these phenomena. The arse-cramping in particular is something that I’m really interested in. You see, there’ll be days where I’m sat (or stood) minding my own business and then out of the blue, Wham! Arse cramp!

And I don’t mean like a little cramp in the calf after a long run. No no! This is a serious shooting pain, right in the anus. There are times it’s been so painful, I genuinely thought my sphincter was going to explode. What’s worse, these internal bum bursts happens at the most inopportune moments — in a meeting with top executives, in the middle of a serious conversation with my wife, or even during an intimate moment.

You can only imagine the scene — sat round a board room table or midst warm embrace when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, a pain will shoot through my arse, causing my back to arch and my face to contort like I’m being examined by a medieval proctologist. The experience can only be likened to eating a hot curry in New Delhi and then actively trying to stop shitting yourself, whilst frantically looking some frozen toilet paper to sooth the burn.

If you’ve ever experienced anything like that, I would love to know?

Jt